the death of a pet:
how to tell the kids

The expression, “honesty is the best policy,”
applies here.  “Often times parents in an effort to protect their children from the pain of death will euthanize the family pet when their children are off at school or away at camp,” explains Martha Tousley, an Arizona grief counselor and author of the book, Children and Pet Loss: A Guide for Helping.  That’s one of the worst mistakes parents can make, she says. By avoiding or minimizing a pet’s death adults miss the opportunity to teach children how to cope with this inevitable reality of life.

Instead of skirting the issue, children should be included in the euthanasia decision. A good way to do this is by holding a family meeting to discuss why it’s necessary — maybe he’s old, ill or hurt in an accident. During the meeting give kids accurate information, the freedom to ask questions and express their feelings.  With young children use simple and direct language.  Tell them that once the dog or cat is euthanized, his body stops working and won’t work anymore. Avoid saying “put to sleep.” This can trigger sleep problems or intense anxiety over surgery and anesthesia, says Tousley. It’s better to
say the pet will be helped to die peacefully and without pain.

Other common phrases to avoid are: passed away, left us or gone on. They imply the pet is on a trip and will return, making children feel rejected, abandoned or encourage them to search for the lost pet or hold out hope for its return.

If your family opts for euthanasia, make an appointment with your veterinarian ahead of time to learn about the procedure. Afterward, your kids should decide if they want to be present on that day.  “A child’s fantasy of what’s going to happen is far scary than the reality,” explains Tousley. “If a child is willing to be present — and is prepared for what to expect, then the reality of a peaceful death is far less traumatic than their terrible fantasy of it.”  The days leading up to the scheduled death gives children time to become familiar with the decision and think of ways to honor and keep the pet’s memory alive.

 Encourage activities such as: drawing or painting pictures; compiling an album, scrapbook or memory box; viewing videos or home movies; writing or sharing memories; planting a shrub or tree.  After your dog or cat has been put to sleep, keep the lines of communication open with your kids by talking about what happened and how you feel.  “When adults express their feelings they give a powerful message to their children and it says: This life was worth grieving over. This pet was valued in our family and when anything happens to someone or something that we love, it’s okay to cry about it.”

Pet Loss Hotlines

Listed below are grief counseling programs at veterinary teaching institutions. The hotlines are run by students and specially trained staff to help owners cope with their grief.  To find local support groups and counselors, check with your veterinarian or Humane Society.

Cornell University (Ithaca, NY)
School of Veterinary Medicine
607-253-3932
6 p.m. to 9 p.m. (EST)
Monday - Thursday

University of California (Davis)
School of Veterinary Medicine
800-565-1526
6:30 p.m. to 9:30 p.m. (PST)
Monday - Friday

Tufts University (No. Grafton, Mass)
School of Veterinary Medicine
508-839-7966
6 to 9 p.m. (EST)
Monday - Friday

This newsletter is intended to offer general information only and recognizes that individual issues may differ from these broad guidelines. Your pets specific issues should be addressed with a veterinary professional familiar with the details of the problems.  Copyright 2002 © CreativeMinds Publications and Lakeside Veterinary Clinic.